The woman I once knew was an incredible one...

I miss my mom.

Some days I feel like I shouldn't. After all, she's the one who gave up and walked away. There are days though, like right now, where I'd give anything for one of her hugs. It's been years since I've felt like I've had my mom in my life. Really apart of my life. Now Facebook comments and a couple messages is about all I get. We use to have more. We use to have each other.

For the longest time my mom was my hero, my role model, and best friend. She was my rock, my shoulder to lean on, and my saving grace. I could always count on her, no matter what. I know now, that I am a mother, that she always put me first, even when she was falling apart at the seams.

Of course we had the typical mother/daughter relationship. We fought, we disagreed, and knocked heads. She was my mother though. I always loved her. Always. I still do, with everything I have in me.

I thought when I got pregnant it would help fix our rocky relationship.. She'd realize I needed her more than ever at that moment and it did. It brought us closer than we had ever been. For a little while. It wasn't enough though. I can't blame the affair for all of it. As much as I want too and did. Things were bad before all of that came out. I can't honestly remember when things started to change. When she started to change. I can remember the exact moment she stopped being a mother figure to me though..

I've fortgiven her for the affair, for all of it. Everything. I'm just not sure she knows that. It was hard. I was mad. I was bitter and filled with resentment. I was crushed, let down, and torn. She cheated on the one man who was a father to me. The one man I looked up too and respected. For a moment, I felt like I had to choose a side... I did. I chose his.

I got passed it all. I moved on. My father did, so I knew it was time I followed. I don't think mine and my mother's relationship ever did though. Ever move passed it, learned to move on. In fact, there is no relationship at this point. She's not apart of my life, my children's lives, nothing. Not a single phone call in over a year. I know thanks to my dad, that a phone works two ways, the truth is, I've been waiting. Waiting for my mother to step up and want to pick up that phone. I've been waiting for the day that she decides to come back and be apart of my life.

I need her. I want her involved. I want her in my life, I need her in my life. I want to know what's going on in her life. I want her to know my kids. I want my kids to know who she is, because they don't right now. And the woman I once knew was an incredible woman my kids would be lucky to call grandma (or Yaya) I just hope that person isn't gone...

Change.

I knew the moment I found out I was pregnant, life would forever change. I have no idea how much though. I didn't know that at the time I took that pregnancy test, 2 years later I'd be married, move 1,000 miles away from the one place I lived the longest and finally made a home. I had no idea what life had in store for me that moment. I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't do a thing differently. I love my life. I'm thankful for all that I have. For the family Deven & I created together.

There's days though, that cause me to pause for a moment. Flashbacks play in my mind and for a moment, I'm lost in the world that once was...

I miss the old days. Not every day. Not all the time. Sometimes though. I feel like this is the part I'm suppose to justify how much I love and adore my children. How happy I am with life and how much I enjoy being their mother.. I'm not, not today. It's obvious the love I have for my children and husband. This blog is not about that. Not right now, anyways.

I was never a child. My childhood was stolen from me and just when I started to get it back, I was forced to be a third parent to my sister at the rip age of 10. I'm no longer bitter about it. I've moved passed it. My point is, I was never given the change to truly be a kid and I wound up pregnant with Jordyn. It's not a regret. Keeping Jordyn, raising her, being her mother, it'll never be a regret. It's what I was suppose to do. It's what I'm meant to be doing.

I look back and think sometimes though. I wonder how life would have played out for me had I not gotten pregnant and dated Deven. Where I would be. What I would be doing. That's when I stop myself and realize, I don't want to know.  I miss some of those days, before Jordyn. I do. It's not every day. Or even often. I thin I miss the carefreeness of it all. And sleep. I definitely miss sleep. ;)

This isn't how I saw my life going. This isn't a prediction I could have made. I wouldn't change it (how many times can I say that? Ha.) I wouldn't trade it for a few more teen years. I wouldn't go back and not have Jordyn. I've never wished that I could have the same Jordyn, just a few more years later. I love the way it all worked. I loved that I had Jordyn at 17. I do. I'm not ashamed to be a teen parent. As crazy as it's been, it's been beautiful. The moments I have now, with my children and husband are incredible.

Some day. Some day I'll look back on these years and miss them. I try to focus on now, so I don't miss out. When I look back and miss today, I want there to be a better reason than I wish I would of done this differently or been a better parent or wife. I don't want regrets. Just crazy beautiful memories.

I'm over this debate!

This is a debate I'm tired of having. I would not write a blog, if I was not 110% sure that what I have written is true. I have read every thing I can get my hands on, I have talked to several CPST's, I have even talked to people who were once car seat engineers. This is fact. All car seats are EQUALLY safe. If you do not want to believe me, that it is fine. You do not get to comment on my blog and bash what I have said, try to start drama or argue with me after I have told you nicely that what I have said, is in fact true and the information you have is false. 

Car seat manufactures do NOT release ANY of their crash testing data. It is NOT a graded test. It is a pass or fail test. If a car seat can be sold, it is safe. There is no side impact crash testing done in the US. There is NO proof one car seat is better than another. Until there is proof, all car seats are stated to be equally safe. 

Once again. I have asked SEVERAL certified techs, even those who were/are engineers. This is what I have been told, repeatedly. This is what I have gathered from hours and hours of research. I will stand by this fact until someone can show me otherwise. 

I will not tolerate drama on my blog. If you have a concern then you can come to me. If I answer your question/s and you start to argue with me about it, I will delete your comment. I will not respond. It's not because I am immature, it's because I'm a bigger person than to get into such drama. 

With that said, I am confident in the information I have provided. I am grateful for those who read my blog and learn from it. This is my passion. I am truly passionate about car seat safety. I would never give out false information. Ever.

My car seat blog can be viewed here

She changed.

For the record, I love my mother. I have always, I always will. She was my one and only hero for as long as I can remember. People change though. People are always changing.


It's almost been an entire year since I've seen my mother last. (May 16th will be a year) It's been over 8 months since I've spoken to her on the phone and a very very long time since we've actually sat down and talked. While I was living in Pensacola for Deven's deployment, I saw my mother twice. Twice. Jordyn's birthday party & the day Nikolai was born.. I wouldn't blame her, I'd say "it takes two" and suck it up. Something happened though. She changed. Something happened to her, I'm not sure what, but it (I think) forever changed who I've always known my mother to be..



Ever since the affair, things never went back to any kind of normal. We don't talk, we don't see each other when I'm in town, she plays no role in her grandchildren's lives. I do, get a few facebook comments every now and then and sometimes a message. I don't want a facebook relationship.. But do I even want a relationship, at all anymore? I honestly can't answer that. I've learned how to live my life without my biological father. I never thought I'd have to figure out why my mother ended up doing the same thing he did, to me. Not just me though, my sister too. I always say "I had my 18 years with her, she was always a mother to me while I was growing up. I feel horrible that my sister is missing a mother while she is growing up." Luckily though, we have an amazing father (Yes, I claim my step father as my dad) who is always there for.



I feel as though our relationship is so torn to pieces that I'm not sure it could ever be repaired. I know that with time, effort, and trust we could build it back up. And I know I said above I wasn't sure about wanting a relationship with her anymore, but honestly, I don't know if she even wants to have one. I don't even think she wants to be a mother anymore. She hasn't been for 2 years.. As much as I play it off, just as I did with my father, it hurts. It hurts not to be wanted by your own parents. It hurts to feel forgotten and unloved. I may be (almost) 21, but I still need her. I still want her around. I want my kids to know her. And they don't. I don't even know her anymore.



I have faith, that eventually things will work out the way they are suppose too. I can only hope that, that means we can mend our relationship and be in each other's lives. For good. Until then, I'll act as though it doesn't phase me. I'll be happy with the family I have and live my life. Because life goes on. Even when you're hurting.

Dear Nikolai,

I sit here, almost a whole year later and think to myself, we did it. We really did it. It wasn't easy by any means, but well worth every bump in the road. There was nothing planned about you. (Don't feel bad, your sister wasn't planned either.) The pregnancy was a surprise (a lovely surprise, no doubt), to pregnancy complications that landed me in the hospital more times in the 9 months I was pregnant than I have been in my entire life, to being induced unexpectedly after my check up went bad, to a crucial labor I was sure would kill me (what a horrible epidural experience. That didn't even work, I might add), to seeing your sweet face for the first time, but missing half my heart because your father was thousands of miles away. We did it though. Together. The bumps didn't stop there though. You had your days and nights horribly mixed up, you were the hardest baby to breast feed (all you ever did was pull off and I'd have to fight you to re-latch), you hated the car & you would only sleep in your swing for the first three weeks. Again, we did it.


Even through the sleep deprivation, the struggles of trying to breastfeed exclusively and the pressure I felt from it, but had no support in, (Hey, we made it 4.5 months) to juggling your demands and a toddler fighting for attention, to your daddy being deployed and the stress that comes along with that.. I wouldn't trade this past year. I wouldn't take a do over. I'd do it just how it happened. Because even through the struggles, it was perfect. It was perfect because of you. So innocent, so small (well, not too small Mr. I was almost 9 pounds!), so adorable, squishy, brand new and cuddly. You were perfect then and you are still perfect now. Even though you torture your sister by pulling her hair, hitting her in the face & crawling on her because you know she's weaker than you. (Oh the joy of little boys!) You are everything I could of ever dreamt of and so much more.


We did it, though. Sometimes, somedays, I'm not sure how we did it, but we did. We all did it. Not just myself, but your sister, and your father. We got through what could be one of the hardest periods of our lives, thus far and strived. Because of you. (And of course your sister, too.) I still cannot believe that in only 9 short days you will be one! How did that happen so fast? How did you not stay a baby just a while longer? Why is that you and your sister have to grow so fast, on me? I'm not ready. I'm not ready to say "I have two toddlers running around my house!" Toddler. Sigh.


I hope you know, that even though you didn't listen to me and you're growing like a weed, that you'll always be my baby. Always. I'll look at you and always see that precious 8 pound 11 ounce squishy baby boy you once were. Reality is though, you didn't stay that way long. And you'll only continue to grow.. I can only hope that you grow to be the man you want to be. & I hope that you continue to love life, as easily as you do now.

Our first picture together.

Sissy meeting you for the first time.

Skyping daddy for the first time since you were born.

Welcome home daddy! 

I've waited my whole life to meet you!

That first hug was 5 months past due.

It was like you knew him all along.

In the hospital. Day you were born.

One month.

Two months.

15.4 pounds, 23 3/4 inches.

Three months.

 Four months. 

19.2 pounds, 26 inches.

 Five months. 

 Six months. 

21.5 pounds, 28 3/4 inches.

Seven months.

Eight months.

 Nine Months. 

24 pounds, 30 inches.

 Ten months. Official walker.

Eleven months.

Highlights through the first year:

She loved you then. 

She loves you now. 

She'll love you always.

Welcome home, brother!

First smile on camera.

1 week.

All dressed up, for company.

1 month old.

Just like daddy!

 First time in the pool.

3 months old.

Can you say, "siblings"?

Watching the two of you together, 

is the most amazing gift.

 I miss you being a thumb sucker.

3 months.

 First time at the beach.

4 months.

 First outside swing.

4 months.

One of the first times playing with daddy!

5 months old.

 Your signature move, 

until you started crawling.

Almost 7 months.

First and only ER/doctor visit, so far.

7 months.

Baby Led Weaning!

7 months.

Big boy seat. 

& Still very happily RF, 

even after we hit 20 pounds!

7 months.

Pulling yourself up.

7 months.

Sippy cup. No juice!

You absolutely hate the sippy cup.

9 months.

Sleeping so peacefully.

10 months.

Dear Jordyn,

Three. How is it that one word can make me want to cry? Three. It's been almost three years since I've welcomed the most precious little girl into the world and I honestly just can't fathom how it's been three years, already. Will time ever slow down? Just for a moment?

September 12, 2009.

Love at first sight.

I knew you were special the moment I saw you.

March 27, 2010 @ 5:31PM 7lbs 5.8oz 19.5in

My only wishes...

 I hope you always sleep so peacefully.

May the messy days last longer..

 Cuddles stay sweet.

Never get too old to be silly with your mom.

Loving me. Always.

Adoring your brother.

Always smile.

Play time never gets old.

 Don't try growing up too fast on me.

Be who you are. Be proud of who you are.

Always lend a hand for your friends.

Find a guy, with a heart like your father.

 Just try the green bean, next time.

 More movie dates, please?

& I hope you still feel small,

when you stand beside the ocean.

I know that one day, you'll be too old to cuddle with your mom. You'll be too cool to give me a kiss & hold my hand as we walk outside. I know that before I know it, you won't want to go to the movies with me, but you'll go with friends instead. I know that this time I have right now, with you, so innocent, so inlove, is a small amount of time. A time a truly cherish. When you come running to me, as I walk through the door after being gone for only 30 minutes, so excited to see me, so eager to give me a hug & tons of kisses. When your face lights up when you find me, as I'm upstairs & you say to me "I lost you mommy, but I found you now". All of these moments, these moments I adore, will soon end. I know I have a few more years, but time isn't slowing down for anyone. So I'll cherish the moments while I can. Record the moments on video or picture as I catch them. & When the day comes where you tell me you hate me for the first time, I'll have this to look back on. To remember, that you will always be my 7 pound 6 ounce baby girl. Always. May your future be bright beyond what I can imagine. May you grow into the lovely young lady I know you will become. & May you never get too old to still call me mommy.

Three. I'm almost afraid to blink. I might miss the next 15 years, if I do.. 

 Halloween 2010

Hospitalized for your first MRSA. 

December 2010

Going into anaphylactic shock.

March 26, 2011

First birthday! 2011

Swimming! Summwe 2012

Going potty for the first time!

Second birthday!

Playdoh in the AM

First hair cut!

Happy Third Birthday 

to the sweetest little girl I know!