2013: Dear Nikolai,

I sit here, almost a whole year later and think to myself, we did it. We really did it. It wasn't easy by any means, but well worth every bump in the road. There was nothing planned about you. (Don't feel bad, your sister wasn't planned either.) The pregnancy was a surprise (a lovely surprise, no doubt), to pregnancy complications that landed me in the hospital more times in the 9 months I was pregnant than I have been in my entire life, to being induced unexpectedly after my check up went bad, to a crucial labor I was sure would kill me (what a horrible epidural experience. That didn't even work, I might add), to seeing your sweet face for the first time, but missing half my heart because your father was thousands of miles away. We did it though. Together. The bumps didn't stop there though. You had your days and nights horribly mixed up, you were the hardest baby to breast feed (all you ever did was pull off and I'd have to fight you to re-latch), you hated the car & you would only sleep in your swing for the first three weeks. Again, we did it.

Even through the sleep deprivation, the struggles of trying to breastfeed exclusively and the pressure I felt from it, but had no support in, (Hey, we made it 4.5 months) to juggling your demands and a toddler fighting for attention, to your daddy being deployed and the stress that comes along with that.. I wouldn't trade this past year. I wouldn't take a do over. I'd do it just how it happened. Because even through the struggles, it was perfect. It was perfect because of you. So innocent, so small (well, not too small Mr. I was almost 9 pounds!), so adorable, squishy, brand new and cuddly. You were perfect then and you are still perfect now. Even though you torture your sister by pulling her hair, hitting her in the face & crawling on her because you know she's weaker than you. (Oh the joy of little boys!) You are everything I could of ever dreamt of and so much more.

We did it, though. Sometimes, somedays, I'm not sure how we did it, but we did. We all did it. Not just myself, but your sister, and your father. We got through what could be one of the hardest periods of our lives, thus far and strived. Because of you. (And of course your sister, too.) I still cannot believe that in only 9 short days you will be one! How did that happen so fast? How did you not stay a baby just a while longer? Why is that you and your sister have to grow so fast, on me? I'm not ready. I'm not ready to say "I have two toddlers running around my house!" Toddler. Sigh.

I hope you know, that even though you didn't listen to me and you're growing like a weed, that you'll always be my baby. Always. I'll look at you and always see that precious 8 pound 11 ounce squishy baby boy you once were. Reality is though, you didn't stay that way long. And you'll only continue to grow.. I can only hope that you grow to be the man you want to be. & I hope that you continue to love life, as easily as you do now.

Our first picture together.