I'm a NOT a car seat nazi!

I am a car seat safety advocate. Maybe even a car seat safety enthusiast.  I am not a car seat nazi.

I've never cared for the term "car seat nazi" I never said anything about it, either. Nazi's represent a group of people who did a whole lot of not so good things. In fact, down right terrible things. Which is the complete opposite of what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to help others. I'm trying to help educate a mother or father, keep a child a little safer.

It's not a term that I like. It's not a time you look back on and enjoy. It's not something I want to be called. It's not something someone should want to call someone else. What the Nazi's symbolize is horrific and I don't want to be referred to that, for one second.

I know that no one, I hope, means anything hurtful by it. But think about it. Think about what a Nazi was. Think about what they did to other people. What they stood for. I am not a car seat nazi.

I am a car seat safety advocate. Maybe even a car seat safety enthusiast. Hell, I'd take car seat freak. If you could just all refrain from the nazi term, I'd sincerely appreciate it.

Thank you.

Accomplishments, dreams, and love.

I've been watching "One Tree Hill" on Netflix over the last couple of weeks. I'm on season 7 of 9. Throughout the show they are always talking about accomplishments and that being the key to life and happiness. If they don't follow their dream they'll never truly be happy. Not with themselves or someone else..

I start to think and realize I don't have many of those [accomplishments] lying around. I never graduated high school. I've never been to college. I've had one real job in the entire [almost] 21 years I've been around. I dropped everything so Deven could have his career in the Navy and I could be the best mother I knew how to be. I've never chased any dreams. I'm not sure I've ever even had a dream.

Last time I thought about what I wanted to do with my life, was before I had Jordyn. I was 16, I had just watched "Pearl Harbor" for the first time in class and I thought to myself, I'd love to join the Air Force and be a nurse. That was the last real thing I ever said I wanted to do with my life.

I've always wanted to be a mother. I remember thinking that all I wanted was to have a family. Even in high school I'd say all I wanted was to be a mom. I'd get this crazy look and it'd always follow by "a mom?" I'd nod and smile. Truth is, I always felt like being a parent was one of the most rewarding jobs. Even before kids, I felt that way.

So doesn't that mean I accomplished my dreams? Even if all I accomplished was a family?

Being a mother is great. It's amazing. Even at the rip age of 17 when I had Jordyn. (She was not planned for those of you who are now questioning my motives. She really wasn't.) Having two kids by 19 wasn't my plan. I wouldn't trade it. Sometimes though, I wonder if being a mother is good enough for my kids. When they get older and ask me about my dreams and accomplishments, will it be enough for them?

I think it will be. I hope so anyway. I'm happy. I have plans, I have things I want to do. Things I'm going to try to do. It won't break me if they don't happen though. I won't be bitter or unhappy. In fact, I am happy. At the end of the day, when I lay my head on my pillow and I close my eyes, I'm happy. To me, the key to life and happiness is love. I use to think love wasn't enough, that you needed more in life. Love makes you try a little harder, push a little farther, laugh a while longer. Love makes you happy, love makes you sad. Love can build you up or tear you down. But at the end of the day, all anyone wants is to have love. To love and be loved.

I have love. I have a lot of love. I am loved. I'm love deeply. I have love with my children and my husband. I have love with my family and my friends. I may not have done something incredible with my life. My only dream may have been to have a family. That may be the only dream I ever accomplish. At the end of the day though, I'm happy. I'm happy and in love.

To me, that is good enough. That's enough. Love is enough.

Welcome back, Kristin.

I'm laying in bed. My daughter's breathing heavy and I can hear the rain drops hitting the window every couple seconds. Everyone's asleep. Everyone but me.


You want to know something? I blog almost every night. I write it all down in the "notes" section of my iPhone. Some days it's nothing more than a couple lines or a quote I heard throughout the day that inspired me. Other days it's a novel, or so it seems. I use to post all of my blogs online. Here at this very site. I started 3 years ago and it got me through quite a bit. I'd feel better afterwards. It was my outlet. My escape. It was the one place I could go that I wouldn't feel as though I was being judge...

My point is, I don't post any blogs on my site anymore. Not ones that actually matter, anyway. I'm now afraid to let my feelings out. I'm not sure why. Maybe, because what I say can affect someone or maybe I'm just scared. Scared to be judge...

I use to wear my heart on my sleeve. I could share what was on my mind and I wouldn't think twice about it. The good, the bad, the ugly, it didn't matter. Then I started to care about how other people saw me. If I say I'm mad at Deven, the kids are driving me insane, or right at this very moment I'm questioning what the hell I got myself into, people would judge. They'd form an opinion without knowing the entire story.. I thought it mattered. I thought how other people saw me mattered. For a split second, I guess I did care. It's never mattered though. It will never matter. I am who I am and I feel what I feel.

Sometimes what I have to say, can be hurtful. For instance take my blog I wrote about my father or the couple I've written about my mother. Those could hurt them. It's how I feel though. Those are my feelings. Raw, real, and full of emotion. I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to affect anyone. This is the only way I can let it all out though. So from now on, this I'm back to blogging.

The woman I once knew was an incredible one...

I miss my mom.

Some days I feel like I shouldn't. After all, she's the one who gave up and walked away. There are days though, like right now, where I'd give anything for one of her hugs. It's been years since I've felt like I've had my mom in my life. Really apart of my life. Now Facebook comments and a couple messages is about all I get. We use to have more. We use to have each other.

For the longest time my mom was my hero, my role model, and best friend. She was my rock, my shoulder to lean on, and my saving grace. I could always count on her, no matter what. I know now, that I am a mother, that she always put me first, even when she was falling apart at the seams.

Of course we had the typical mother/daughter relationship. We fought, we disagreed, and knocked heads. She was my mother though. I always loved her. Always. I still do, with everything I have in me.

I thought when I got pregnant it would help fix our rocky relationship.. She'd realize I needed her more than ever at that moment and it did. It brought us closer than we had ever been. For a little while. It wasn't enough though. I can't blame the affair for all of it. As much as I want too and did. Things were bad before all of that came out. I can't honestly remember when things started to change. When she started to change. I can remember the exact moment she stopped being a mother figure to me though..

I've fortgiven her for the affair, for all of it. Everything. I'm just not sure she knows that. It was hard. I was mad. I was bitter and filled with resentment. I was crushed, let down, and torn. She cheated on the one man who was a father to me. The one man I looked up too and respected. For a moment, I felt like I had to choose a side... I did. I chose his.

I got passed it all. I moved on. My father did, so I knew it was time I followed. I don't think mine and my mother's relationship ever did though. Ever move passed it, learned to move on. In fact, there is no relationship at this point. She's not apart of my life, my children's lives, nothing. Not a single phone call in over a year. I know thanks to my dad, that a phone works two ways, the truth is, I've been waiting. Waiting for my mother to step up and want to pick up that phone. I've been waiting for the day that she decides to come back and be apart of my life.

I need her. I want her involved. I want her in my life, I need her in my life. I want to know what's going on in her life. I want her to know my kids. I want my kids to know who she is, because they don't right now. And the woman I once knew was an incredible woman my kids would be lucky to call grandma (or Yaya) I just hope that person isn't gone...

Change.

I knew the moment I found out I was pregnant, life would forever change. I have no idea how much though. I didn't know that at the time I took that pregnancy test, 2 years later I'd be married, move 1,000 miles away from the one place I lived the longest and finally made a home. I had no idea what life had in store for me that moment. I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't do a thing differently. I love my life. I'm thankful for all that I have. For the family Deven & I created together.

There's days though, that cause me to pause for a moment. Flashbacks play in my mind and for a moment, I'm lost in the world that once was...

I miss the old days. Not every day. Not all the time. Sometimes though. I feel like this is the part I'm suppose to justify how much I love and adore my children. How happy I am with life and how much I enjoy being their mother.. I'm not, not today. It's obvious the love I have for my children and husband. This blog is not about that. Not right now, anyways.

I was never a child. My childhood was stolen from me and just when I started to get it back, I was forced to be a third parent to my sister at the rip age of 10. I'm no longer bitter about it. I've moved passed it. My point is, I was never given the change to truly be a kid and I wound up pregnant with Jordyn. It's not a regret. Keeping Jordyn, raising her, being her mother, it'll never be a regret. It's what I was suppose to do. It's what I'm meant to be doing.

I look back and think sometimes though. I wonder how life would have played out for me had I not gotten pregnant and dated Deven. Where I would be. What I would be doing. That's when I stop myself and realize, I don't want to know.  I miss some of those days, before Jordyn. I do. It's not every day. Or even often. I thin I miss the carefreeness of it all. And sleep. I definitely miss sleep. ;)

This isn't how I saw my life going. This isn't a prediction I could have made. I wouldn't change it (how many times can I say that? Ha.) I wouldn't trade it for a few more teen years. I wouldn't go back and not have Jordyn. I've never wished that I could have the same Jordyn, just a few more years later. I love the way it all worked. I loved that I had Jordyn at 17. I do. I'm not ashamed to be a teen parent. As crazy as it's been, it's been beautiful. The moments I have now, with my children and husband are incredible.

Some day. Some day I'll look back on these years and miss them. I try to focus on now, so I don't miss out. When I look back and miss today, I want there to be a better reason than I wish I would of done this differently or been a better parent or wife. I don't want regrets. Just crazy beautiful memories.

I'm over this debate!

This is a debate I'm tired of having. I would not write a blog, if I was not 110% sure that what I have written is true. I have read every thing I can get my hands on, I have talked to several CPST's, I have even talked to people who were once car seat engineers. This is fact. All car seats are EQUALLY safe. If you do not want to believe me, that it is fine. You do not get to comment on my blog and bash what I have said, try to start drama or argue with me after I have told you nicely that what I have said, is in fact true and the information you have is false. 

Car seat manufactures do NOT release ANY of their crash testing data. It is NOT a graded test. It is a pass or fail test. If a car seat can be sold, it is safe. There is no side impact crash testing done in the US. There is NO proof one car seat is better than another. Until there is proof, all car seats are stated to be equally safe. 

Once again. I have asked SEVERAL certified techs, even those who were/are engineers. This is what I have been told, repeatedly. This is what I have gathered from hours and hours of research. I will stand by this fact until someone can show me otherwise. 

I will not tolerate drama on my blog. If you have a concern then you can come to me. If I answer your question/s and you start to argue with me about it, I will delete your comment. I will not respond. It's not because I am immature, it's because I'm a bigger person than to get into such drama. 

With that said, I am confident in the information I have provided. I am grateful for those who read my blog and learn from it. This is my passion. I am truly passionate about car seat safety. I would never give out false information. Ever.

My car seat blog can be viewed here