She changed.

For the record, I love my mother. I have always, I always will. She was my one and only hero for as long as I can remember. People change though. People are always changing.


It's almost been an entire year since I've seen my mother last. (May 16th will be a year) It's been over 8 months since I've spoken to her on the phone and a very very long time since we've actually sat down and talked. While I was living in Pensacola for Deven's deployment, I saw my mother twice. Twice. Jordyn's birthday party & the day Nikolai was born.. I wouldn't blame her, I'd say "it takes two" and suck it up. Something happened though. She changed. Something happened to her, I'm not sure what, but it (I think) forever changed who I've always known my mother to be..



Ever since the affair, things never went back to any kind of normal. We don't talk, we don't see each other when I'm in town, she plays no role in her grandchildren's lives. I do, get a few facebook comments every now and then and sometimes a message. I don't want a facebook relationship.. But do I even want a relationship, at all anymore? I honestly can't answer that. I've learned how to live my life without my biological father. I never thought I'd have to figure out why my mother ended up doing the same thing he did, to me. Not just me though, my sister too. I always say "I had my 18 years with her, she was always a mother to me while I was growing up. I feel horrible that my sister is missing a mother while she is growing up." Luckily though, we have an amazing father (Yes, I claim my step father as my dad) who is always there for.



I feel as though our relationship is so torn to pieces that I'm not sure it could ever be repaired. I know that with time, effort, and trust we could build it back up. And I know I said above I wasn't sure about wanting a relationship with her anymore, but honestly, I don't know if she even wants to have one. I don't even think she wants to be a mother anymore. She hasn't been for 2 years.. As much as I play it off, just as I did with my father, it hurts. It hurts not to be wanted by your own parents. It hurts to feel forgotten and unloved. I may be (almost) 21, but I still need her. I still want her around. I want my kids to know her. And they don't. I don't even know her anymore.



I have faith, that eventually things will work out the way they are suppose too. I can only hope that, that means we can mend our relationship and be in each other's lives. For good. Until then, I'll act as though it doesn't phase me. I'll be happy with the family I have and live my life. Because life goes on. Even when you're hurting.