The woman I once knew was an incredible one...

I miss my mom.

Some days I feel like I shouldn't. After all, she's the one who gave up and walked away. There are days though, like right now, where I'd give anything for one of her hugs. It's been years since I've felt like I've had my mom in my life. Really apart of my life. Now Facebook comments and a couple messages is about all I get. We use to have more. We use to have each other.

For the longest time my mom was my hero, my role model, and best friend. She was my rock, my shoulder to lean on, and my saving grace. I could always count on her, no matter what. I know now, that I am a mother, that she always put me first, even when she was falling apart at the seams.

Of course we had the typical mother/daughter relationship. We fought, we disagreed, and knocked heads. She was my mother though. I always loved her. Always. I still do, with everything I have in me.

I thought when I got pregnant it would help fix our rocky relationship.. She'd realize I needed her more than ever at that moment and it did. It brought us closer than we had ever been. For a little while. It wasn't enough though. I can't blame the affair for all of it. As much as I want too and did. Things were bad before all of that came out. I can't honestly remember when things started to change. When she started to change. I can remember the exact moment she stopped being a mother figure to me though..

I've fortgiven her for the affair, for all of it. Everything. I'm just not sure she knows that. It was hard. I was mad. I was bitter and filled with resentment. I was crushed, let down, and torn. She cheated on the one man who was a father to me. The one man I looked up too and respected. For a moment, I felt like I had to choose a side... I did. I chose his.

I got passed it all. I moved on. My father did, so I knew it was time I followed. I don't think mine and my mother's relationship ever did though. Ever move passed it, learned to move on. In fact, there is no relationship at this point. She's not apart of my life, my children's lives, nothing. Not a single phone call in over a year. I know thanks to my dad, that a phone works two ways, the truth is, I've been waiting. Waiting for my mother to step up and want to pick up that phone. I've been waiting for the day that she decides to come back and be apart of my life.

I need her. I want her involved. I want her in my life, I need her in my life. I want to know what's going on in her life. I want her to know my kids. I want my kids to know who she is, because they don't right now. And the woman I once knew was an incredible woman my kids would be lucky to call grandma (or Yaya) I just hope that person isn't gone...