I'm laying in bed. My daughter's breathing heavy and I can hear the rain drops hitting the window every couple seconds. Everyone's asleep. Everyone but me.
You want to know something? I blog almost every night. I write it all down in the "notes" section of my iPhone. Some days it's nothing more than a couple lines or a quote I heard throughout the day that inspired me. Other days it's a novel, or so it seems. I use to post all of my blogs online. Here at this very site. I started 3 years ago and it got me through quite a bit. I'd feel better afterwards. It was my outlet. My escape. It was the one place I could go that I wouldn't feel as though I was being judge...
My point is, I don't post any blogs on my site anymore. Not ones that actually matter, anyway. I'm now afraid to let my feelings out. I'm not sure why. Maybe, because what I say can affect someone or maybe I'm just scared. Scared to be judge...
I use to wear my heart on my sleeve. I could share what was on my mind and I wouldn't think twice about it. The good, the bad, the ugly, it didn't matter. Then I started to care about how other people saw me. If I say I'm mad at Deven, the kids are driving me insane, or right at this very moment I'm questioning what the hell I got myself into, people would judge. They'd form an opinion without knowing the entire story.. I thought it mattered. I thought how other people saw me mattered. For a split second, I guess I did care. It's never mattered though. It will never matter. I am who I am and I feel what I feel.
Sometimes what I have to say, can be hurtful. For instance take my blog I wrote about my father or the couple I've written about my mother. Those could hurt them. It's how I feel though. Those are my feelings. Raw, real, and full of emotion. I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to affect anyone. This is the only way I can let it all out though. So from now on, this I'm back to blogging.
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