She changed.

For the record, I love my mother. I have always, I always will. She was my one and only hero for as long as I can remember. People change though. People are always changing.


It's almost been an entire year since I've seen my mother last. (May 16th will be a year) It's been over 8 months since I've spoken to her on the phone and a very very long time since we've actually sat down and talked. While I was living in Pensacola for Deven's deployment, I saw my mother twice. Twice. Jordyn's birthday party & the day Nikolai was born.. I wouldn't blame her, I'd say "it takes two" and suck it up. Something happened though. She changed. Something happened to her, I'm not sure what, but it (I think) forever changed who I've always known my mother to be..



Ever since the affair, things never went back to any kind of normal. We don't talk, we don't see each other when I'm in town, she plays no role in her grandchildren's lives. I do, get a few facebook comments every now and then and sometimes a message. I don't want a facebook relationship.. But do I even want a relationship, at all anymore? I honestly can't answer that. I've learned how to live my life without my biological father. I never thought I'd have to figure out why my mother ended up doing the same thing he did, to me. Not just me though, my sister too. I always say "I had my 18 years with her, she was always a mother to me while I was growing up. I feel horrible that my sister is missing a mother while she is growing up." Luckily though, we have an amazing father (Yes, I claim my step father as my dad) who is always there for.



I feel as though our relationship is so torn to pieces that I'm not sure it could ever be repaired. I know that with time, effort, and trust we could build it back up. And I know I said above I wasn't sure about wanting a relationship with her anymore, but honestly, I don't know if she even wants to have one. I don't even think she wants to be a mother anymore. She hasn't been for 2 years.. As much as I play it off, just as I did with my father, it hurts. It hurts not to be wanted by your own parents. It hurts to feel forgotten and unloved. I may be (almost) 21, but I still need her. I still want her around. I want my kids to know her. And they don't. I don't even know her anymore.



I have faith, that eventually things will work out the way they are suppose too. I can only hope that, that means we can mend our relationship and be in each other's lives. For good. Until then, I'll act as though it doesn't phase me. I'll be happy with the family I have and live my life. Because life goes on. Even when you're hurting.

Dear Nikolai,

I sit here, almost a whole year later and think to myself, we did it. We really did it. It wasn't easy by any means, but well worth every bump in the road. There was nothing planned about you. (Don't feel bad, your sister wasn't planned either.) The pregnancy was a surprise (a lovely surprise, no doubt), to pregnancy complications that landed me in the hospital more times in the 9 months I was pregnant than I have been in my entire life, to being induced unexpectedly after my check up went bad, to a crucial labor I was sure would kill me (what a horrible epidural experience. That didn't even work, I might add), to seeing your sweet face for the first time, but missing half my heart because your father was thousands of miles away. We did it though. Together. The bumps didn't stop there though. You had your days and nights horribly mixed up, you were the hardest baby to breast feed (all you ever did was pull off and I'd have to fight you to re-latch), you hated the car & you would only sleep in your swing for the first three weeks. Again, we did it.


Even through the sleep deprivation, the struggles of trying to breastfeed exclusively and the pressure I felt from it, but had no support in, (Hey, we made it 4.5 months) to juggling your demands and a toddler fighting for attention, to your daddy being deployed and the stress that comes along with that.. I wouldn't trade this past year. I wouldn't take a do over. I'd do it just how it happened. Because even through the struggles, it was perfect. It was perfect because of you. So innocent, so small (well, not too small Mr. I was almost 9 pounds!), so adorable, squishy, brand new and cuddly. You were perfect then and you are still perfect now. Even though you torture your sister by pulling her hair, hitting her in the face & crawling on her because you know she's weaker than you. (Oh the joy of little boys!) You are everything I could of ever dreamt of and so much more.


We did it, though. Sometimes, somedays, I'm not sure how we did it, but we did. We all did it. Not just myself, but your sister, and your father. We got through what could be one of the hardest periods of our lives, thus far and strived. Because of you. (And of course your sister, too.) I still cannot believe that in only 9 short days you will be one! How did that happen so fast? How did you not stay a baby just a while longer? Why is that you and your sister have to grow so fast, on me? I'm not ready. I'm not ready to say "I have two toddlers running around my house!" Toddler. Sigh.


I hope you know, that even though you didn't listen to me and you're growing like a weed, that you'll always be my baby. Always. I'll look at you and always see that precious 8 pound 11 ounce squishy baby boy you once were. Reality is though, you didn't stay that way long. And you'll only continue to grow.. I can only hope that you grow to be the man you want to be. & I hope that you continue to love life, as easily as you do now.

Our first picture together.

Sissy meeting you for the first time.

Skyping daddy for the first time since you were born.

Welcome home daddy! 

I've waited my whole life to meet you!

That first hug was 5 months past due.

It was like you knew him all along.

In the hospital. Day you were born.

One month.

Two months.

15.4 pounds, 23 3/4 inches.

Three months.

 Four months. 

19.2 pounds, 26 inches.

 Five months. 

 Six months. 

21.5 pounds, 28 3/4 inches.

Seven months.

Eight months.

 Nine Months. 

24 pounds, 30 inches.

 Ten months. Official walker.

Eleven months.

Highlights through the first year:

She loved you then. 

She loves you now. 

She'll love you always.

Welcome home, brother!

First smile on camera.

1 week.

All dressed up, for company.

1 month old.

Just like daddy!

 First time in the pool.

3 months old.

Can you say, "siblings"?

Watching the two of you together, 

is the most amazing gift.

 I miss you being a thumb sucker.

3 months.

 First time at the beach.

4 months.

 First outside swing.

4 months.

One of the first times playing with daddy!

5 months old.

 Your signature move, 

until you started crawling.

Almost 7 months.

First and only ER/doctor visit, so far.

7 months.

Baby Led Weaning!

7 months.

Big boy seat. 

& Still very happily RF, 

even after we hit 20 pounds!

7 months.

Pulling yourself up.

7 months.

Sippy cup. No juice!

You absolutely hate the sippy cup.

9 months.

Sleeping so peacefully.

10 months.

Dear Jordyn,

Three. How is it that one word can make me want to cry? Three. It's been almost three years since I've welcomed the most precious little girl into the world and I honestly just can't fathom how it's been three years, already. Will time ever slow down? Just for a moment?

September 12, 2009.

Love at first sight.

I knew you were special the moment I saw you.

March 27, 2010 @ 5:31PM 7lbs 5.8oz 19.5in

My only wishes...

 I hope you always sleep so peacefully.

May the messy days last longer..

 Cuddles stay sweet.

Never get too old to be silly with your mom.

Loving me. Always.

Adoring your brother.

Always smile.

Play time never gets old.

 Don't try growing up too fast on me.

Be who you are. Be proud of who you are.

Always lend a hand for your friends.

Find a guy, with a heart like your father.

 Just try the green bean, next time.

 More movie dates, please?

& I hope you still feel small,

when you stand beside the ocean.

I know that one day, you'll be too old to cuddle with your mom. You'll be too cool to give me a kiss & hold my hand as we walk outside. I know that before I know it, you won't want to go to the movies with me, but you'll go with friends instead. I know that this time I have right now, with you, so innocent, so inlove, is a small amount of time. A time a truly cherish. When you come running to me, as I walk through the door after being gone for only 30 minutes, so excited to see me, so eager to give me a hug & tons of kisses. When your face lights up when you find me, as I'm upstairs & you say to me "I lost you mommy, but I found you now". All of these moments, these moments I adore, will soon end. I know I have a few more years, but time isn't slowing down for anyone. So I'll cherish the moments while I can. Record the moments on video or picture as I catch them. & When the day comes where you tell me you hate me for the first time, I'll have this to look back on. To remember, that you will always be my 7 pound 6 ounce baby girl. Always. May your future be bright beyond what I can imagine. May you grow into the lovely young lady I know you will become. & May you never get too old to still call me mommy.

Three. I'm almost afraid to blink. I might miss the next 15 years, if I do.. 

 Halloween 2010

Hospitalized for your first MRSA. 

December 2010

Going into anaphylactic shock.

March 26, 2011

First birthday! 2011

Swimming! Summwe 2012

Going potty for the first time!

Second birthday!

Playdoh in the AM

First hair cut!

Happy Third Birthday 

to the sweetest little girl I know!