2013: May 2013

For the record, I love my mother. I have always, I always will. She was my one and only hero for as long as I can remember. People change though. People are always changing.

It's almost been an entire year since I've seen my mother last. (May 16th will be a year) It's been over 8 months since I've spoken to her on the phone and a very very long time since we've actually sat down and talked. While I was living in Pensacola for Deven's deployment, I saw my mother twice. Twice. Jordyn's birthday party & the day Nikolai was born.. I wouldn't blame her, I'd say "it takes two" and suck it up. Something happened though. She changed. Something happened to her, I'm not sure what, but it (I think) forever changed who I've always known my mother to be..

Ever since the affair, things never went back to any kind of normal. We don't talk, we don't see each other when I'm in town, she plays no role in her grandchildren's lives. I do, get a few facebook comments every now and then and sometimes a message. I don't want a facebook relationship.. But do I even want a relationship, at all anymore? I honestly can't answer that. I've learned how to live my life without my biological father. I never thought I'd have to figure out why my mother ended up doing the same thing he did, to me. Not just me though, my sister too. I always say "I had my 18 years with her, she was always a mother to me while I was growing up. I feel horrible that my sister is missing a mother while she is growing up." Luckily though, we have an amazing father (Yes, I claim my step father as my dad) who is always there for.

I feel as though our relationship is so torn to pieces that I'm not sure it could ever be repaired. I know that with time, effort, and trust we could build it back up. And I know I said above I wasn't sure about wanting a relationship with her anymore, but honestly, I don't know if she even wants to have one. I don't even think she wants to be a mother anymore. She hasn't been for 2 years.. As much as I play it off, just as I did with my father, it hurts. It hurts not to be wanted by your own parents. It hurts to feel forgotten and unloved. I may be (almost) 21, but I still need her. I still want her around. I want my kids to know her. And they don't. I don't even know her anymore.

I have faith, that eventually things will work out the way they are suppose too. I can only hope that, that means we can mend our relationship and be in each other's lives. For good. Until then, I'll act as though it doesn't phase me. I'll be happy with the family I have and live my life. Because life goes on. Even when you're hurting.

I sit here, almost a whole year later and think to myself, we did it. We really did it. It wasn't easy by any means, but well worth every bump in the road. There was nothing planned about you. (Don't feel bad, your sister wasn't planned either.) The pregnancy was a surprise (a lovely surprise, no doubt), to pregnancy complications that landed me in the hospital more times in the 9 months I was pregnant than I have been in my entire life, to being induced unexpectedly after my check up went bad, to a crucial labor I was sure would kill me (what a horrible epidural experience. That didn't even work, I might add), to seeing your sweet face for the first time, but missing half my heart because your father was thousands of miles away. We did it though. Together. The bumps didn't stop there though. You had your days and nights horribly mixed up, you were the hardest baby to breast feed (all you ever did was pull off and I'd have to fight you to re-latch), you hated the car & you would only sleep in your swing for the first three weeks. Again, we did it.

Even through the sleep deprivation, the struggles of trying to breastfeed exclusively and the pressure I felt from it, but had no support in, (Hey, we made it 4.5 months) to juggling your demands and a toddler fighting for attention, to your daddy being deployed and the stress that comes along with that.. I wouldn't trade this past year. I wouldn't take a do over. I'd do it just how it happened. Because even through the struggles, it was perfect. It was perfect because of you. So innocent, so small (well, not too small Mr. I was almost 9 pounds!), so adorable, squishy, brand new and cuddly. You were perfect then and you are still perfect now. Even though you torture your sister by pulling her hair, hitting her in the face & crawling on her because you know she's weaker than you. (Oh the joy of little boys!) You are everything I could of ever dreamt of and so much more.

We did it, though. Sometimes, somedays, I'm not sure how we did it, but we did. We all did it. Not just myself, but your sister, and your father. We got through what could be one of the hardest periods of our lives, thus far and strived. Because of you. (And of course your sister, too.) I still cannot believe that in only 9 short days you will be one! How did that happen so fast? How did you not stay a baby just a while longer? Why is that you and your sister have to grow so fast, on me? I'm not ready. I'm not ready to say "I have two toddlers running around my house!" Toddler. Sigh.

I hope you know, that even though you didn't listen to me and you're growing like a weed, that you'll always be my baby. Always. I'll look at you and always see that precious 8 pound 11 ounce squishy baby boy you once were. Reality is though, you didn't stay that way long. And you'll only continue to grow.. I can only hope that you grow to be the man you want to be. & I hope that you continue to love life, as easily as you do now.

Our first picture together.