It goes faster than you think

Five years ago I was a very pregnant 17 year old. Trying to remain patient as I miserably waiting for the arrival the sweetest girl I've been blessed to know. (And I say miserably because both pregnancies were very hard on me and my body. Doesn't mean they aren't worth it). Everyone always said "don't blink. It goes too fast" and I'd just laugh and say "okay". I had no idea what they meant. Because up until this point of my life, everything had always dragged on. 

Here we are about a month away from Jordyn's fifth birthday and I don't know how we got here, so fast. It's bittersweet. There's no other way to describe it. It's amazing to watch your children grow and learn. At the same time, it breaks my heart a little to know that each day they become less and less dependent on me. They're not babies anymore. Nikolai is a toddler and Jordyn is a KID. A child. She's not a baby. She's not a toddler. She's not a preschooler. She's a kid. An almost five year old kid. And I just don't know how this happened. 

Watching my kids grow, learn and become their own individual person is one of the most amazing things I've been able to witness. Truly, it is. 

Parenting is terrifying though. 

When they're born you worry about how much you're going to fuck this all up. You worry about SIDS, about co sleeping or crib sleeping, you worry about bottle or breast feeding, you worry about when they're sick, or how to prevent sickness, you worry when they take their first fall, or when they decide they're big enough to climb a moutain (practically), you worry about all this little stuff. And it doesn't seem to ever stop. As they get older the worries change. 

With Jordyn starting school this fall, I have all new fears for her. Will she make friends easily? Will she get made fun of? Will she fit in? Will she get bullied? Will kįds be mean to her? 

And it scares me. No. It terrifies me. Jordyn is an extremely sensitive child. She wears her heart on her sleeve and her emotions have always been bigger than she was. And I know school will be different for her. She's beautiful and smart and funny and talented and simply amazing. But I'm her mother. I'm her biggest fan. 

I'm worried that other children won't give J the chance to show them what I see. 

Instead of worrying about the other kids, I hope I can teach J that there's more to life than what kįds at school think. But we can't pretend that school isn't a major part of their lives for the next 12 years. 

I hope that J loves herself enough to not care about the opinion of others. I just hope that at the age of five, she can see what I see. 

You can be anyone you want to be...

You can be anyone you want.

You can have any dream you choose.

You can follow any path you pick.

You can do anything you set your mind too. 

But, you. Not you.

You're stuck in this life.

Run down, tired and done.

You gave it the best shot you had.

You did it all the right way.

Life just didn't work out the way you wanted.

That's life though.

You could have been anyone.

You could have had anything.

You could have followed any path.

Chased any dream.

But you chose him. 

You chose your family.

Now you're here.

Alone.

Heartbroken.

Betrayed.

Destroyed.

But it's not over.

It'll never be over.

You've been dealt some shitty hands before.

Like always, you get back up.

You'll prove your strength.

You'll show wisdom.

You'll show grace and dignity.

You'll be okay. 

One day.

Because you can be anyone you want to be.

A year has come, and it will go.

October 17th, 2012


Nikolai is now 5 months old. I'm finally back in Virginia after a long 8 months. Only hours to go until I see my incredible husband again for the fist time since March. Only hours to go until Deven meets his amazing son for the first time. Only hours to go until Jordyn gets her daddy back, who she has asked every single day about. Emotions are high. The excitement, the nerves. Talk about anxious. Overwhelmed. Even stressed. I remember it all, as if it were yesterday. I cannot believe a year ago today, I was just hours away from having my family back, after being apart for so long.

365 days is the longest we have spent together consecutively since Deven joined the Navy in March of 2011. <3

I cannot believe a year has come and gone so quickly. Lets take a trip down memory lane, shall we.

 It's not "goodbye", it's "see ya later"

Skyping with Nikolai for the first time!

Pictures are worth a thousand words.

How we celebrated the 4th of July!

Last care package!

(Timeline theme)

Bored inspiration: (hah!)

Is it really homecoming day?!

So excited to meet daddy!!

I promise, the enthusiasm was high from this girl :P 

Breath...

Wooooooo!

First hug <3

Father and son meeting.

Who said love at first sight doesn't exist?

Daddy's girl at heart.

Finally, a family again <3

Hold on. Take a deep breath. Now let go.

I had a dream. Normally I don't think much of my dreams or really remember them. This dream was different though. It was real. Or at least it felt real. I guess it was my subconscious trying to say something. Now I'm left trying to figure it all out.

As most people know, my father and I don't have much of a relationship. I can't tell you the last time we talked and it's been ten years since I've seen him. Normally it doesn't bother me. Most times it doesn't even cross my mind. Is that bad? Maybe. It's the truth though. I've spent so much of my life hating this man, building a wall up to keep whatever emotions I may feel about him, out. I've spent so much of my life blaming him. Blaming him for the way everything turned out. Hating him for the way he treated not just my mother, but any woman he's ever been with. I've spent most of my time questioning why I was never enough for him, for him to be a better man. To want to be a better man. That's left me full of hatred and resentment. And although I'll tell you I've forgiven and moved on with my life. I think I may be lying.

I had a dream that I got a phone call from my grandmother (my dad's mom) telling me my father had died. My reaction? I was frozen. Frozen in time. Although this was all a dream and to the best of my knowledge he's still alive, it hit me. It hit me hard. I was blindsided. Now I sit here, trying to figure out just exactly how this dream made me feel. Truth is, I was sad. I was sad and I was scared. I was also hurt and angry.

As much as I say I don't care that he's not in my life, I think I do. I think I always have. I spent many days telling myself "It's him missing out, not me" to make  myself feel better about the situation, but I never once believed it. Who was I kidding? We were both missing out. Tremendously I missed out on having a real relationship with my biological father and he missed out on knowing his daughter. Knowing his grandkids. Knowing my husband. Knowing my life. We both lost at this. Not just him, like I use to tell myself. And for what?

He wasn't a great father, no. He wasn't a great husband, no. He wasn't even a great person. He's my father though, and as much as I consider John my father, this guy I spent my whole life hating, is MY father. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here. If my life hadn't played out the way it did, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have to stop, and I have to thank him. I have to move on and forgive him. Maybe not for him, but for myself.

I don't want to wake up one day and receive the call I got in my dream and have to look in the mirror and ask myself why I let all this anger get in the way of what could have potentially been a good relationship. I'm scared though. I'm scared to get hurt. I'm scared to let this man in. I want to move on though. I have too.

I'm a NOT a car seat nazi!

I am a car seat safety advocate. Maybe even a car seat safety enthusiast.  I am not a car seat nazi.

I've never cared for the term "car seat nazi" I never said anything about it, either. Nazi's represent a group of people who did a whole lot of not so good things. In fact, down right terrible things. Which is the complete opposite of what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to help others. I'm trying to help educate a mother or father, keep a child a little safer.

It's not a term that I like. It's not a time you look back on and enjoy. It's not something I want to be called. It's not something someone should want to call someone else. What the Nazi's symbolize is horrific and I don't want to be referred to that, for one second.

I know that no one, I hope, means anything hurtful by it. But think about it. Think about what a Nazi was. Think about what they did to other people. What they stood for. I am not a car seat nazi.

I am a car seat safety advocate. Maybe even a car seat safety enthusiast. Hell, I'd take car seat freak. If you could just all refrain from the nazi term, I'd sincerely appreciate it.

Thank you.

Accomplishments, dreams, and love.

I've been watching "One Tree Hill" on Netflix over the last couple of weeks. I'm on season 7 of 9. Throughout the show they are always talking about accomplishments and that being the key to life and happiness. If they don't follow their dream they'll never truly be happy. Not with themselves or someone else..

I start to think and realize I don't have many of those [accomplishments] lying around. I never graduated high school. I've never been to college. I've had one real job in the entire [almost] 21 years I've been around. I dropped everything so Deven could have his career in the Navy and I could be the best mother I knew how to be. I've never chased any dreams. I'm not sure I've ever even had a dream.

Last time I thought about what I wanted to do with my life, was before I had Jordyn. I was 16, I had just watched "Pearl Harbor" for the first time in class and I thought to myself, I'd love to join the Air Force and be a nurse. That was the last real thing I ever said I wanted to do with my life.

I've always wanted to be a mother. I remember thinking that all I wanted was to have a family. Even in high school I'd say all I wanted was to be a mom. I'd get this crazy look and it'd always follow by "a mom?" I'd nod and smile. Truth is, I always felt like being a parent was one of the most rewarding jobs. Even before kids, I felt that way.

So doesn't that mean I accomplished my dreams? Even if all I accomplished was a family?

Being a mother is great. It's amazing. Even at the rip age of 17 when I had Jordyn. (She was not planned for those of you who are now questioning my motives. She really wasn't.) Having two kids by 19 wasn't my plan. I wouldn't trade it. Sometimes though, I wonder if being a mother is good enough for my kids. When they get older and ask me about my dreams and accomplishments, will it be enough for them?

I think it will be. I hope so anyway. I'm happy. I have plans, I have things I want to do. Things I'm going to try to do. It won't break me if they don't happen though. I won't be bitter or unhappy. In fact, I am happy. At the end of the day, when I lay my head on my pillow and I close my eyes, I'm happy. To me, the key to life and happiness is love. I use to think love wasn't enough, that you needed more in life. Love makes you try a little harder, push a little farther, laugh a while longer. Love makes you happy, love makes you sad. Love can build you up or tear you down. But at the end of the day, all anyone wants is to have love. To love and be loved.

I have love. I have a lot of love. I am loved. I'm love deeply. I have love with my children and my husband. I have love with my family and my friends. I may not have done something incredible with my life. My only dream may have been to have a family. That may be the only dream I ever accomplish. At the end of the day though, I'm happy. I'm happy and in love.

To me, that is good enough. That's enough. Love is enough.

Welcome back, Kristin.

I'm laying in bed. My daughter's breathing heavy and I can hear the rain drops hitting the window every couple seconds. Everyone's asleep. Everyone but me.


You want to know something? I blog almost every night. I write it all down in the "notes" section of my iPhone. Some days it's nothing more than a couple lines or a quote I heard throughout the day that inspired me. Other days it's a novel, or so it seems. I use to post all of my blogs online. Here at this very site. I started 3 years ago and it got me through quite a bit. I'd feel better afterwards. It was my outlet. My escape. It was the one place I could go that I wouldn't feel as though I was being judge...

My point is, I don't post any blogs on my site anymore. Not ones that actually matter, anyway. I'm now afraid to let my feelings out. I'm not sure why. Maybe, because what I say can affect someone or maybe I'm just scared. Scared to be judge...

I use to wear my heart on my sleeve. I could share what was on my mind and I wouldn't think twice about it. The good, the bad, the ugly, it didn't matter. Then I started to care about how other people saw me. If I say I'm mad at Deven, the kids are driving me insane, or right at this very moment I'm questioning what the hell I got myself into, people would judge. They'd form an opinion without knowing the entire story.. I thought it mattered. I thought how other people saw me mattered. For a split second, I guess I did care. It's never mattered though. It will never matter. I am who I am and I feel what I feel.

Sometimes what I have to say, can be hurtful. For instance take my blog I wrote about my father or the couple I've written about my mother. Those could hurt them. It's how I feel though. Those are my feelings. Raw, real, and full of emotion. I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to affect anyone. This is the only way I can let it all out though. So from now on, this I'm back to blogging.